Don't Hit "Send"! You Can’t Put The Toothpaste Back Into The Tube

We have all been there. We receive a nasty email or read something with which we vehemently disagree. We are unfairly attacked and accused. Our dignity and character are assaulted. Our deeply held values and beliefs are ridiculed and attacked. We feel the heat of indignation arise from within. We hastily compose a verbal retort to defend our honor or our cherished values and beliefs. We launch our digital arrows. We experience catharsis—for a little while.

Don’t do it! 

You can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube. There is no delete button on the Internet.

There is a better way.

Practical Advice

Here are a few practical tips that will help keep you out of trouble and will preserve your personal and professional reputation and credibility.

Respond, Don’t React

There is a crucial difference between reacting and responding. In a fascinating article Response vs Reaction – 12 Important Differences (2022), Bijan Kholghi defines the difference this way:

A reaction is instant, instinctive and purely emotional … A reaction is based entirely in the heat of the moment. When you react, you rarely consider the long-term consequences of your actions.

A response occurs after you consider the desired outcome of the situation. In most cases, you’ll consider the long-term consequences of your actions. As such, a response usually aligns with your core values.      

As Christians, and as Christian leaders in particular, it is crucial to cultivate the habit and virtue of responding rather than reacting. The colloquialism, “bite your tongue” is apt. The meaning is to keep oneself from saying something inappropriate, hurtful or otherwise offensive. 

One way to do this is to compose and then to wait.

I recently read a fascinating NYT article titled, The Lost Art of the Unsent Angry Letter. In it the author describes the habit of famous people who penned but never sent angry letters. She gives the example of Abraham Lincoln and Harry S. Truman. 

Whenever Abraham Lincoln felt the urge to tell someone off, he would compose what he called a “hot letter.” He’d pile all of his anger into a note, “put it aside until his emotions cooled down,” Doris Kearns Goodwin once explained on NPR, “and then write: ‘Never sent. Never signed.’” Which meant that General George G. Meade, for one, would never hear from his commander in chief that Lincoln blamed him for letting Robert E. Lee escape after Gettysburg … 

Harry S. Truman once almost informed the treasurer of the United States that “I don’t think that the financial advisor of God Himself would be able to understand what the financial position of the Government of the United States is, by reading your statement.”

I have received more than my fair share of angry emails falsely accusing a teacher, coach or other staff member of inappropriate behavior. Many of these accusations are based on erroneous or incomplete information on the part of the accuser. He or she reacted rather than taking time to get the facts and to respond appropriately.

We must not do likewise. 

Instead of reacting, practice the art of the unsent letter—in our case—the unsent email or social media post. When I receive an email that causes anger to arise in me I make a habit of praying for God’s grace to respond thoughtfully, truthfully and graciously. I then compose a draft response in an application other than my email application to avoid accidentally and prematurely hitting the send button. After drafting my response I wait 24 hours to reread it. I inevitably edit the message. If and when appropriate, I ask others to read my response asking, “what is the tone of my response?” “Is it accurate?” “How is the recipient likely to interpret it?” “What should I change?”

Only after taking time for my emotions to cool and to edit the message do I send it. 

Commit To Having Biblical Principles, Not Emotions, Regulate Your Response

The Bible gives wonderful guidance for regulating our responses to others. Here are a few examples. 

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also … But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven (Matthew 5:38–39, 44–45).

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matthew 12:36–37).

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone (Philippians 4:5).

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:19–20).

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love (2 Peter 1:5–7).

Don’t Give Them a Verbal Bullet—They WILL Shoot You With It

Consider the potential consequences of your reaction. If you react in anger, untruthfully or impudently, you can rest assured that the recipient is likely to use your reaction against you. An inappropriate reaction undermines your credibility and opens the door for the focus to shift from the original sender’s communication to your inappropriate reaction. 

I am reminded of the Miranda warning: “Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” Your reaction may or may not end up in court but you can rest assured that anything you communicate that is inappropriate will be used against you. Don’t give others a verbal bullet with which to shoot you—they will. 

Reputations and careers have been ruined by the impulsive email or social media post. Christian witness has been sullied, perhaps damaged beyond repair. Don’t become the victim of your emotions and impulsive reactions to those of others. Respond biblically, thoughtfully and truthfully. Don’t react. Your reputation, credibility and your career are at stake. 

More importantly, you bear the name of Christ. Don’t damage your gospel witness in the heat of the moment by a momentary lapse of judgment. Practice the art and virtue of the unsent email or social media post. You, and others around you, will be glad you did.