How To Reduce Stress in Your Life and Leadership

This is a simple and personal article on how to reduce stress and live with less anxiety. There are no magic pills but there are reliable principles and practices. They are simple in concept but hard to consistently apply. But they work.

There are a lot of stresses in our lives. As superintendent of a large school I live with a degree of low level stress that can spike significantly depending on people and circumstances. As a human being I am daily confronted with the stresses of daily living—family, financial, social, and physical, not to mention the stress that can be brought to bear from national and international affairs.

As Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation.” But he also said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

I want peace and I bet you do too—especially peace of mind and soul.
Over the last several months the Lord has taught me how to biblically and effectively reduce stress and anxiety. I am learning to be at peace just a Paul learned to be content (Phil. 4:11).

I have come to realize and accept that I cannot avoid situations or people that produce anxiety and stress, I can only respond to them correctly or incorrectly, effectively or ineffectively, biblically or unbiblically.

Here are the simple principles I am learning to practice. Even though the circumstances have not changed, I have experienced much less anxiety when I focus on doing the following things.

Pray for Wisdom
This is a two-fold prayer for wisdom; the wisdom to respond to the situation correctly and the wisdom to deal with difficulties biblically. Wisdom comes from the illumination of the Holy Spirit applying God’s word to our minds, which requires that we make the study and memorization of God’s word a priority in our lives or we cannot have wisdom. Wisdom also comes from the counsel of spiritually mature and biblically literate Christians.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Rom. 12:2

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5 (Note that in context this verse is referring to the wisdom needed to respond to trials properly (See 1:1–4)

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3:17–18 (Note the characteristics of God-given wisdom)

A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory. Prov. 24:5–6

Learn to Listen
Listening is the handmaiden to wisdom. We cannot grow in wisdom and understanding if we focus on talking and defending. If one is to respond wisely to trials and tribulations brought on by the actions of others we must stop and listen honestly to what others are saying. Seek more to understand than to defend and explain. As Stephen Covey wrote, “seek first to understand and then to be understood.”

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19–20

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. Prov. 10:19

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Prov. 17:27–28

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Prov. 27:6

Speak the Truth in Love
People are the primary source of stress and anxiety. Of course, we usually think that other people produce stress and that we don’t. The truth is that we also produce stress for others.

We make two mistakes in responding to the words and actions of others that produce stress in our lives. We avoid speaking the truth so we are not dealing honestly with others. We are avoiding conflict. We are more concerned with being comfortable than we are promoting truth.

Our other mistake is to permit the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction. We are quick to speak the truth but we are not motivated by the welfare of the other person; we are motivated by our welfare. We are not speaking the truth in a loving manner.

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. Eph. 4:15

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Cor. 13:1

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Gal. 6:1

By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

Just Do the Right Thing
After praying for wisdom to know how to respond and after listening and speaking the truth in love, commit yourself to do the right thing, period. We are not responsible for the actions of others, we are responsible for ours.

But be careful. The right thing may not be what you perceive to be right. The right thing is what is right based on biblical principles and the wise, if uncomfortable, advice of others.

Doing the right thing may cost you. The right thing may require turning the other cheek. The right thing may be graciously and willingly submitting to authority even if you believe that authority is wrong. Doing the right thing may, and often does, require that you humble yourself. Doing the right thing may require giving up your rights, denying yourself. Doing the right thing most certainly requires holding your tongue and not gossiping about others and how they are mistreating you.

Just do what is right. We cannot control what others do. We can seldom control our circumstances. What we can control, as a Fruit of the Spirit, are our words and actions.

But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. Matt. 5:39–42

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor. James 4:10–12

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. Heb. 13:17

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phil. 2:3–4

Trust the Lord’s Providence
After praying for wisdom, listening to others, speaking the truth in love, and then doing the right thing—leave the outcome to God’s wisdom, goodness, and providence. You have done what you can and should do, you must trust in and be willing to accept God’s providence even if it is a frowning one.

God does not promise that if we do the right things others will do right by us. He does not promise that if we do the right thing he will prevent bad things from happening to us. To the contrary, the Bible is very clear—the righteous often suffer unjustly. Accept it. Expect it. Even embrace it as good for you.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2ff

Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Pet. 5:5–7

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:5–7

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come? Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins. Lam. 3:37–38

In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider:God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him. Ecclesiastes 7:14

But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips. Job 2:10

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die … a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1ff

Life is full of trouble and turmoil but our hearts and minds do not need to be troubled. We can reduce stress and anxiety in our lives but only if we apply biblical principles to our thoughts and actions:

• Pray for Wisdom
• Learn to Listen
• Speak the Truth in Love
• Do the Right Thing
• Trust the Lord’s Providence

If you and I will learn to consistently apply these principles then we can learn:

not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:5–7

Shalom

18 Ways to Make YOUR Superintendent Very Unhappy

Eighteen Ways to Make YOUR Superintendent Very Unhappy Guest Article, Bruce Johnson

Things brought to him as superintendent for almost three decades.

1. Gossip in the Teachers’ Room and don’t hold anyone accountable for anything they say (and don’t let anyone hold you accountable for anything you say).

2. Trust students (or your spouse) to keep confidences about other students or staff.

3. Break confidences that you have with parents by “sharing” with other parents, co-workers or your spouse.

4. Keep confidences you shouldn’t keep (moral, ethical, legal).

5. Discuss students with other student’s parents.

6. Miss deadlines for grades or reports – or anything else – if you feel you have something more important to do.

7. Teach whatever you want to teach – regardless of the approved curriculum.

8. Be tardy to devotions, staff meetings and class.

9. Question everything – all the time – after all, you know better than anyone else.

10. Tell everyone else before you tell your administrator any complaints you may have about the school or him – or her.

11. Make excuses for your mistakes and never, ever take responsibility for anything that goes wrong.

12. Don’t volunteer for anything at any time, no matter how much everyone else is doing or how much your assistance is needed.

13. Ask for special favors and exceptions to policies that apply to everyone else.

14. Don’t dress or act professionally – and complain if you disagree with any guidelines, decisions regarding curriculum or anything else.

15. Don’t be careful what you say or how you say it to students or your co-workers.

16. Recognize that the Fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22,23 does not apply to you.

17. Don’t be loyal to the Lord, or school, or each other.

18. Remember that the school is fortunate to have you on staff.

Not Everything is as it Seems

As you rush through your day, put your glasses on—not all is as it seems. Consider this with every encounter—with students, parents, staff, and visitors in your school.

May God give us the heart, eyes, and ears of Jesus.

.

When Times are Difficult Consider Said Musa

Leading a school can be a tough business!  I joke with my parents that my job is easy;

I only deal with people’s children, money, and religion!

People can be complainers, inconsiderate, gossips, stubborn, resistant to change, and just downright mean and ornery.   Such people can make our jobs and lives miserable.

Before you and I start feeling sorry for ourselves, consider Said Musa’s situation.  After reading of his plight I believe we will gain a little perspective on our troubles.

Said Musa’s Story

A terrible drama is unfolding in Afghanistan: There are reports that Said Musa, whose
situation I described at Christmas, will soon be executed for the ‘crime’ of choosing to
become a Christian. (For background, see here.)

Musa was one of about 25 Christians arrested on May 31, 2010, after a May 27 Noorin TV
program showed video of a worship service held by indigenous Afghan Christians; he was
arrested as he attempted to seek asylum at the German embassy. He converted to Christianity eight years ago, is the father of six young children, had a leg amputated after he stepped on a landmine while serving in the Afghan Army, and now has a prosthetic leg. His
oldest child is eight and one is disabled (she cannot speak). He worked for the Red Cross/Red Crescent as an adviser to other amputees.

He was forced to appear before a judge without any legal counsel and without knowledge of
the charges against him. “Nobody [wanted to be my] defender before the court. When I said
‘I am a Christian man,’ he [a potential lawyer] immediately spat on me and abused me and
mocked me… . I am alone between 400 [people with] terrible values in the jail, like a sheep.”
He has been beaten, mocked, and subjected to sleep deprivation and sexual abuse while in
prison. No Afghan lawyer will defend him and authorities denied him access to a foreign
lawyer.

Any and every human being who is imprisoned, abused, or tortured for the free and peaceful
expression of their faith deserves our support, but Musa is also a remarkable person and
Christian. In a letter smuggled to the West, he says, “The authority and prisoners in jail did
many bad behavior with me about my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. For example, they did
sexual things with me, beat me by wood, by hands, by legs, put some things on my head.”
He added a thing much more important to him, that they “mocked me ‘he’s Jesus Christ,’
spat on me, nobody let me for sleep night and day… . Please, please, for the sake of Lord
Jesus Christ help me.” (See the full letter here)

He has also stated that he is willing to give his life for his faith. “Please, please you should
transfer me from this jail to a jail that supervises the believers… . I also agree … to sacrifice
my life in public [where] I will tell [about my] faith in Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, [so]
other believers will take courage and be strong in their faith.”

… The Wall Street Journal reports that “Afghan officials have been unapologetic:

The sentence for a convert is death and there is no exception.

said Jamal Khan, chief of staff at the Ministry of Justice.

They must be sentenced to death to serve as a lesson for others.

Here is Said Musa’s handwritten letter (click on the image to see a larger version).

Our Response:

• Let’s pray consistently for Said Musa and other persecuted Christians.
• Tell these stories to our students so that they understand the price that many Christians are called to pay to follow Jesus—a price that we and they may be called upon to pay as well.
• Use this story in Bible classes, chapels, and staff devotions as an antidote to the false prosperity “gospel.”
• Our struggles are real and they hurt but keep them in perspective.  Said Musa lost a leg, has a disabled daughter, has been imprisoned, beaten, humiliated, spat upon, and abused.  He will likely be executed for being a Christian.  There is no hint of blaming God, claiming God is unfair, etc.  Instead, he is willing to die publically to be a witness for Jesus.  I don’t know about you, but my meager struggles pale in comparison—in fact there is NO comparison.
• Let us learn to suffer hardship, of whatever sort, for the sake of serving Christ and his kingdom in and through our schools.  May God grant us the grace to joyfully endure hardship and to be counted worthy to suffer for his sake.  May we mirror Said’s commitment to Christ before our students and parents.

Some of Us Have Been Talking…

Dr. Marni Halvorson (Head of School, Covenant Day School)

Dear Christian school parent,

When something occurs that we h ave questions about, it’s not uncommon to ask others their impression or understanding. This happens frequently in connection to situations or circumstances at our Christian school. Perhaps a teacher gives an assignment to students that is unclear to a parent, or a child relays comments made in the classroom that are unsettling. A parent may turn to other parents in the carpool line for their assessment of the situation rather than going directly to the teacher. At times this fact finding clears confusion and it is back to business as usual. Other times, however, the communication begins to take on a different perspective. Second hand information can slip into idle talk or rumor; that is, we have become involved in gossip. This is true not only of parents and the carpool line; there are occasions when a teacher standing at the photocopier may ask another teacher a question that really is best directed back to a parent instead.

Words have tremendous power! They can be used for building up or for tearing down. In The Purpose Driven Life, author Rick Warren writes, “Refuse to listen to gossip. Gossip is passing on information when you are neither part of the problem nor part of the solution” (164). Note that gossip is not defined as untrue information; rather information that we are not to pass along because we are not directly involved as the source of the matter nor as the resolution thereof. What begins as perhaps an off-hand remark can morph into a communication that ultimately is highly inflammatory.

Jerry Bridges, in his book Respectable Sins, makes the point that the Bible is filled with warnings about the sins of the tongue, including gossip (159). Sin is sin, and even sins of the tongue are offensive to God. Unfavorable information can be extremely damaging. Often in the telling and re-telling, a communication “grows” details or the story gets twisted and distorted. We Christians are called to a higher standard. Scripture clearly warns us in Prov. 20:19, “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” Prov. 26:20 adds, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.”

We want our Christian school to be a place where gossip finds no welcome. Our faculty and staff are working to be conscientious about not spreading gossip. We have challenged ourselves to be accountable in this area. We do not want to be the source of the problem through our own words; we do not want to be the subject of someone else’s idle talk or rumor; we want to avoid being caught up as listeners.

We know that it can be awkward to find yourself near the front end of what is quickly revealing itself to be gossip. It takes spiritual sensitivity and boldness to say, “Please stop. I don’t need to hear this. Have you spoken directly to that person?” It may be uncomfortable for most of us to make such a direct request. But we want to use the gift of language in the manner God intended, to encourage and edify. Eph. 4:29 boldly directs us: “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

If you agree that we have taken on a worthy challenge, would you join us in replacing gossip with Godly conversation? We commit to doing our best to assure that you have clear and open channels to teachers, administrators and coaches so that you will have timely and accurate information, especially as it relates specifically to your son or daughter. We also commit to assuring you that your communications with us are handled with respect and confidentiality.

May God be pleased with our communications as well as our motives and actions; and may He be honored as we give grace to everyone who hears us speak.

The Parable of the Bird and the Cow Plop

I thought my readers might enjoy this “Rylism” that I shared with my staff recently. 

All these things Jesus said to the crowds in parables; indeed, he said nothing to them without a parable. (Mat 13:34)

There was a bird that lived in Canada. One winter he announced to the other birds, "I'm not flying south for the winter. I'm staying right here!" All the other birds said he was crazy, but he answered, "You're the ones that are crazy. You'll get down south, turn around and fly right back up here again next year. What's the point?!”

The other birds took to flight and left him behind.

Wondering what winter in Canada would be like, the lone bird was pleasantly surprised at the stretch of Indian Summer that lingered long into the fall. "Aha!" he said to himself, "I was right to stay. This is wonderful!”

But then, winter hit full force in the middle of December. Shuddering in the cold the silly bird finally realized, "I must hurry and leave before I freeze to death!”

He took to flight and made it as far as Montana. There, in mid-air, he froze up and tumbled to the ground; landing in a farmer's barnyard. "Oh, what a stupid bird I am," he moaned to himself. "I should've flown south with all the other birds, but now I am about to die.”

Just then a cow in the barnyard strolled past the fallen bird and without realizing it dropped a big cow-plop right on top of him! "Oh, this is just great," mumbled the buried bird. "It's not bad enough that I'm about to die; now I'm covered with cow manure!”

But then he noticed something he had not expected. The warmth of the plop actually began to thaw him out and restore him to life. "Why, what do you know about that?" said the bird. "This ain't so bad after all!" Then he began chirping and singing under the pile of cow plop.

Meanwhile, the barnyard cat was passing by and heard the sound of singing coming from the pile. Curious as a cat can be, he pawed around in the pile and uncovered the thawed bird. Their eyes met, there was a silent moment of suspense, and then the cat ate the bird. (Rylism)

The Moral of the Story

· First, not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.

· Second, not everyone who cleans it off is your friend.

· Third, when you get dumped on, it is best to keep your mouth shut.

· Fourth, fly south for the winter! In other words, do that which God has created you to do; fulfill his purposes in your life. Obedience to what God has called you to do can keep you out from under the pile.

You are what you are by God’s design and grace. Praise, gratitude, and faithfulness are the proper responses. Pride in one’s gifts/abilities, covetousness of the gifts/abilities of others, or disappointment in one’s gifts/abilities are not proper responses to God’s design of you.

Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Exo 4:11-12)

See, I have called by name Bezalel the son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with ability and intelligence, with knowledge and all craftsmanship, to devise artistic designs, to work in gold, silver, and bronze, in cutting stones for setting, and in carving wood, to work in every craft. And behold, I have appointed with him Oholiab, the son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan. And I have given to all able men ability, that they may make all that I have commanded you. (Exo 31:2-6)

· Fifth, always remember the power of story in your teaching! Jesus, the Master Teacher, constantly employed story/parable in his teaching. Stories are powerful for capturing and holding attention. Stories help students remember the main point of your lesson.

He that hath an ear, let him hear.

How Not to Be Offended When Criticized

This is a follow-up article to “How To Deal Effectively with Conflict and Difficult People.”

Dr. Barrett Mosbacker, PublisherOne of my favorite movies is Star Wars.  It has a compelling story, good actors, and excellent special effects. 

My favorite character in Star Wars is not the hero Luke Skywalker nor the heroine Princess Leia Organa; my favorite is a short creature called Yoda.  At a little more than a foot tall, Yoda is a greenish brown fuzzy creature.  He is also a Jedi Master who teaches Luke Skywalker the Force. He's very wise, but talks seemingly backwards, verb first and noun last.  He teaches Luke to be a Jedi and drops pearls of wisdom such as "do or do not, there is no try."

Luke learns much from Master Yoda who teaches him the danger of the dark side of the Force.  One of my favorite scenes is when Yoda asks Luke, referring to the dark side, “Are you afraid?”

Luke:"I'm not afraid."
Yoda:"You will be!"

I’m not Yoda but my question to you is, “Have you ever been offended by the criticism of others?”  Have your decisions been questioned, your competence questioned, or your motives impugned? Have you ever been or felt shunned because of decisions that you have made as a teacher or administrator?  If not, in the words of the Jedi Master himself, “You will be!” 

Over the years I’ve encountered my share of criticism—both fair and unfair.  As we enter a new school year I thought this might be a good time to share some thoughts with you about how we can more effectively deal with this unpleasant reality of leadership.

Accept the Inevitable

Anyone with any level of responsibility is going to be criticized.  Consider Moses. 

Despite the fact that he gave up the riches and comforts of the King’s Court to suffer with his people and risked his own life to rescue them from slavery, as soon as the People of Israel were uncomfortable and inconvenienced, they turned on him:

And the people quarreled with Moses and said, "Would that we had perished when our brothers perished before the LORD! Why have you brought the assembly of the LORD into this wilderness, that we should die here, both we and our cattle?  And why have you made us come up out of Egypt to bring us to this evil place? It is no place for grain or figs or vines or pomegranates, and there is no water to drink.

Talking about being unappreciated and having your leadership questioned!  A typical “What have you done for me lately?” response!

The first step in dealing effectively with criticism is to recognize that, like conflict, criticism, is inevitable.  Criticism comes with the territory.  Needless to say, given the sensitive nature of the things we deal with and the hard truth that we are not perfect, we WILL be criticized.  There is no escape; one might as well accept it and learn how to deal with it graciously and effectively.

Trying to avoid criticism and conflict is like spitting in the wind—despite our best efforts it is going to hit us in the face!  Rather than diving for cover, pointing fingers at others, or feeling sorry for ourselves, it is wiser to accept the inevitability of criticism and to seek by God’s grace to use it for the good.

Grow Alligator Skin

Unless we have been personally offensive to someone, the criticism we receive is usually not directed to our persons.  The criticism, although voiced to us because of the role we fill, is not usually intended a personal attack.

Simply put, to lead effectively we must develop alligator skin.  The way we react to criticism can block communication and opportunities to work together. Hurt feelings and resentment do not foster a positive or cooperative environment. At its worst, such reactions can have long-lasting negative effects on our relationships and  are corrosive to the school’s culture.

Keep in mind that the criticism we are hearing is most often directed at a real or perceived deficiency in how something was handled—the lesson, the conversation, the disciplinary action, the policy, etc.  Learning to distinguish a personal attack from a critique, even if expressed in anger, goes a long way to making it easier to deal appropriately with it.  Learning not to let the criticism get under our skin, learning to control our emotions, learning to maintain a calm reasoned composure in the face of sharp criticism, and learning to preserve relationships and unity after the criticism will go a long way to fostering peace of mind and peace within our schools.  In short, love people but have a tough hide!

Look at the Beam in Our Eye

It’s ironic; we don’t like to be criticized  but we are quick to criticize the criticizer!  I believe there are three reasons why we respond poorly to criticism:

1) Human pride:  We don’t like to admit that we made a mistake or worse, that we sinned.  It is much easier to criticize those (usually behind their backs) who criticize us than to admit that we were wrong.

2) Insecurity:  Most of us have spent a life-time trying to prove ourselves worthy—in school, in athletics, in appearance, in career success, in possessions.  You name it—we constantly feel the pressure to “measure up.”  Criticism implies that we don’t and that can be threatening to our sense of self-worth.

3) Our sense of justice:  We naturally and appropriately react when we believe that the criticism is unjust. 

The antidote is to ask the Lord to grant us the grace to readily acknowledge our own sins and weaknesses, to deeply believe that our worth is anchored in the fact our intrinsic worth is grounded in God’s estimate of us, and to respond appropriately to injustice. 

In other words, a little (or a lot depending on the circumstances) humility goes a long way to softening the sting of criticism.  If I readily admit that I am not perfect, that I sin, that I am not always wise, that I don’t always make the right decisions, and that I am merely a  hardworking administrator with clay feet, then criticism will not be nearly so threatening or demeaning.

Be Willing to Take It--Graciously

But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Mat 5:39-48)

Matthew Henry provides a wonderful commentary for this passage:

See how it is cleared by the command of the Lord Jesus, who teaches us another lesson: “But I say unto you, I, who come to be the great Peace-Maker, the general Reconciler, who loved you when you were strangers and enemies, I say, Love your enemies,” Mat_5:44.

Though men are ever so bad themselves, and carry it ever so basely towards us, yet that does not discharge us from the great debt we owe them, of love to our kind, love to our kin. We cannot but find ourselves very prone to wish the hurt, or at least very coldly to desire the good, of those that hate us, and have been abusive to us; but that which is at the bottom hereof is a root of bitterness, which must be plucked up, and a remnant of corrupt nature which grace must conquer. Note, it is the great duty of Christians to love their enemies; we cannot have complacency in one that is openly wicked and profane, nor put a confidence in one that we know to be deceitful; nor are we to love all alike; but we must pay respect to the human nature, and so far honor all men: we must take notice, with pleasure, of that even in our enemies which is amiable and commendable; ingenuousness, good temper, learning, and moral virtue, kindness to others, profession of religion, etc., and love that, though they are our enemies. We must have a compassion for them, and a good will toward them. We are here told:

1. That we must speak well of them: Bless them that curse you. When we speak to them, we must answer their revilings with courteous and friendly words, and not render railing for railing; behind their backs we must commend that in them which is commendable, and when we have said all the good we can of them, not be forward to say any thing more. See 1Pe_3:9. They, in whose tongues is the law of kindness, can give good words to those who give bad words to them.

2. That we must do well to them: “Do good to them that hate you, and that will be a better proof of love than good words. Be ready to do them all the real kindness that you can, and glad of an opportunity to do it, in their bodies, estates, names, families; and especially to do good to their souls.” It was said of Archbishop Cranmer, that the way to make him a friend was to do him an ill turn; so many did he serve who had disobliged him.

3. We must pray for them: Pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you. Note:

(1.) It is no new thing for the most excellent saints to be hated, and cursed, and persecuted, and despitefully used, by wicked people; Christ himself was so treated.

(2.) That when at any time we meet with such usage, we have an opportunity of showing our conformity both to the precept and to the example of Christ, by praying for them who thus abuse us. If we cannot otherwise testify our love to them, yet this way we may without ostentation, and it is such a way as surely we durst not dissemble in. We must pray that God will forgive them, that they may never fare the worse for any thing they have done against us, and that he would make them to be at peace with us; and this is one way of making them so.

Easier said then done!  In fact, we can’t do it without the grace of God. Pray and cultivate the grace to respond as Jesus instructs.  Be willing to take it—graciously. 

Be Quick to Listen

As I outlined in my prior article on conflict, we must LISTEN!  Have you ever found yourself “hearing” but not really listening?  Have you found yourself preparing your “defense" rather than considering the merits of what is being said?

Doing so is both unbiblical and disrespectful of the one voicing his or her concerns.  King Solomon and the Apostle James remind us:

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (Jas 1:19-20)

A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool. (Pro 17:10)

Steven Covey, in “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” put it this way, “seek first to understand and then to be understood.”  This requires that we honestly listen to the criticism.  Here are some questions to ask as you listen:

• What can I/we learn from this?
• What can we do better/differently?
• Where is the wheat in the chaff?
• How can I minister to this individual? How can I be helpful?  How can I encourage him or her?
• What can I do to foster a positive relationship?
• How should I follow-up this conversation?

Don’t Discount the Message Because of the Messenger

Some people simply have more credibility than others.  Our tendency, with some justification, is to discount the chronic complainer, the “high maintenance” parent or employee, or to miss the message because of the inappropriate communication or behavior of the messenger.

Don’t.  It is important to look for the nugget of truth that may lay beneath the harsh or emotional criticism.  Listen to the content of what is being communicated, not the way it is being delivered.

This also applies to the “anonymous” letter.  In years past I would typically ignore anonymous letters.  My reaction was, “if they don’t have the moral courage to sign their name, I don’t have time to read it!”  Rather smug, don’t you think?

I have changed my perspective on anonymous communications.  I still give less weight to anonymous letters but I do read them and I do look for that nugget of truth that--notwithstanding the moral cowardice demonstrated by an anonymous letter—nevertheless still needs to be addressed.

Be Forgetful

I have a bad memory, which usually frustrates me, especially when I forget names. However, a bad memory can be a blessing!  

What I mean is this: hear it, deal with it, forget it!  Don’t rehearse the offense in your mind, don’t nurture the anger or hurt feelings, and don’t talk about it.  Deal with any legitimate issues being brought to your attention, even if that is your own failings, work to address the problem(s), and then move on.  Nothing is gained by allowing discouragement or bitterness to take root.  We have more important things to do than nurse our wounds.

Putting it All Together

 

No one likes to be criticized and when we are it is easy to be offended.  It is, however, possible to deal with criticism without being offended—at least not for long-by applying the following principles:

• Criticism is Inevitable-Expect and Accept It
• Grow Alligator Skin
• Look at the Beam in Our Eye
• Be Willing to Take it Graciously
• Be Quick to Listen
• Don’t Discount the Message because of the Messenger
• Be Forgetful

Our Most Important Lesson

The way we respond to criticism may be one of the most powerful lessons we ever teach.  We can give wonderful speeches and inspiring devotionals but the demonstration of the Fruit of the Spirit when dealing with criticism may be what the Lord uses to minister and instruct others.  If actions speak louder than words then how we deal with those who are criticizing us is more important than our pronouncements.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Gal 5:22-23)

I encourage you to share your suggestions on dealing with criticism with our readers by leaving a comment to this article.

How To Deal Effectively with Conflict and Difficult People

Dr. Barrett Mosbacker, PublisherDealing with difficult people can be very uncomfortable!  Despite 20 years of experience, my stress level still rises whenever my administrative assistance informs me that: 

Mr. and Mrs. Jones want to see you.  They are upset about .....

One would think that by now I would have learned to be more sanguine but alas, I still feel my gut tighten in anticipation of an unpleasant conversation.

Although I have not yet learned how to reach a “state of nirvana,” I have learned a few things over the years that may be helpful to you.  I offer the following tips with the prayer that you will find them helpful the next time you face that angry email, phone call, or the unscheduled “do you have a minute?”

Conflict Cannot and Should Not Be Avoided

If two godly men like Paul and Barnabas, who ministered and faced persecution together, could not avoid conflict (Acts 15:39-40) then there should be no illusions about our ability to avoid it. Conflict is inevitable.  It is also an integral part of our ministry to students, parents, and staff.

I often tease parents during our Parent Orientation sessions.  When asking for their prayers I quip:

My job is relatively easy--"I only deal with people's children, money, and religion!

Parents laugh at this statement because they quickly realize just how difficult leading a school can be. Most of them would not want the job for any amount of pay!  Upon reflection, they become a bit more empathetic when assessing the school's response to a given situation.

A Little Humor

As illustrated by my quip, humor is a natural and effective way to reduce tension, demonstrate humility, and foster empathy--provided it is used appropriately and in the right context.  Misused or inappropriate humor can do more harm than good. Well timed and thoughtful humor, on the other hand, can relax a tense situation and put it into perspective.  Consider the following non-school examples (source: How to Use Humor to Diffuse Conflict, by Carla Rieger).

Time Deadline

Our manager was pushing the IT technician to fix a huge computer breakdown in under half a day. The technician was getting frustrated at the unreasonable request, but rather than push back with resistance, he said, "Actually, I only need two hours. The other two I'll be using to cure world hunger." They both laughed and the manager mellowed out.

Smaller Budget

A client kept returning our budget proposal saying it needed to be smaller. No matter how much trimming we did, the client kept pushing for "Smaller, smaller!" I finally took the proposal to a copier and had it reduced to two inches in size. I sent it to the client and said, "This is about as small as I can make it. Tell me what you think." He called me saying it got a huge laugh in his office and that he would now accept the proposal as soon as he could find his magnifying glass.

Again, be careful.  Humor can be very effective but it can backfire if it is poorly timed or inappropriate.

To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is! (Pro 15:23)

To Disciple and to be Discipled

When I know that I am about to be confronted with an angry or upset parent, or when confronted unexpectedly, I remind myself that every conflict "is an opportunity to disciple or to be discipled."  The objective is not to avoid conflict, it is not to deny that there is a problem, and it is not merely to "tolerate" the other person or the meeting.  Instead, conflict is a providentially appointed opportunity to disciple and minister to others or to be discipled by others (Rom. 8:28). 

When dealing with someone who is upset, don't ask yourself "how can I avoid this situation or how can I get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible."  Instead, ask yourself this,

How can the Lord use me in this situation to minister to Mr. and Mrs. Jones and how can the Lord use upset Mr. and Mrs. Jones to instruct me or to make the school better?

You will be surprised how much easier it is to deal with difficult situations and people when you adopt this biblical attitude.  I remind myself of the following verses when facing a difficult situation:

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14)

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Pro 27:5-6)

The upset parent or staff member can be our instructors!  Only pride would keep us from freely acknowledging our need for correction--even if not given in an appropriate manner.

Humility

Relax!  You and I have clay feet.  We make mistakes.  We sin.  Unlike our teenage children, we don't know everything. 

We don't have to pretend otherwise to be effective leaders. In fact, acknowledging our frailties reflects genuine humility, fosters listening, reduces defensiveness, and in general reduces tension.  It also puts us in a state of mind to learn from the situation while fostering respect for those who are upset. 

Admit mistakes.  Do not be defensive.  Own the poor decisions.  Doing so models Christian character, is instructive to those who are upset, and leads to the development of stronger schools.

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. (Pro 16:18)

Listen!!

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. (James 1:19)

This verse reminds me of Steven Covey's statement that one of the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People is that they seek first to understand and then to be understood.  In our pride or defensiveness we often seek to justify more than we seek to understand. We want to defend more than we want to learn.  This attitude is both wrong and counter-productive.

Even if the other person is out of line or just plain wrong, we can often learn something of value from the confrontation.  This requires that we talk less and listen more. 

(Source: Cartoonstock)

Sometimes people just need to vent.  Have you ever been in a meeting where the other party keeps repeating the same grievance over and over?  You got it the first time or certainly by the second rendition but they keep going? 

Take a deep breath (quietly!), be patient, and give them ample time.  Doing so shows respect, gives them time to vent, and may reveal something important to learn.

Speak the Truth--In Love

Humility does not mean that we ignore sin or false accusations.  It is sinful to ignore the truth in order to avoid conflict.  Sometimes we need to confront the parent or the employee with their sinful behavior.  For example, the dad who is acting inappropriately during an athletic event, the teacher who responded disrespectfully to a student, or the parent who was verbally abusive to a teacher must be confronted and corrected.  Ignoring sinful behavior in the school corrupts the school's culture.

HOW we speak the truth, however, is extremely important.  We should be clear and candid but gracious even if we have to confront the sinful behavior of others. 

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. (Eph. 4:15)

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Pro 15:1)

The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. (Pro 16:21)

Turn the Other Cheek, Go the Extra Mile

Remember, LIFE AND MINISTRY ARE NOT ABOUT US!  When we remember that we are to "be living sacrifices" (Rom. 12:1-2) it is easier not to take personal offense when dealing with conflict.  Every action we take and every response we give, or don't give, reflects upon God's glory, His kingdom, the testimony of the Gospel, the reputation of our schools, and our leadership. 

When dealing with angry or unreasonable people, it is helpful to remember Jesus' instruction:

And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Mat 5:41-48)

We can demonstrate going the extra mile in our schools with a strong bias for "yes."  In other words, unless the request violates an important policy or foundational principle our bias should be to say yes.  While it is not always possible to agree, it is possible to agree to requests more often than we like to admit. 

One of the keys to saying "yes" is to avoid the "convenience" trap.  That is, if we are not vigilant we can too quickly say no because saying yes would require sacrifice and inconvenience.  Remember, sacrificial service not convenience, is Christ's example for our lives and ministries.

Take a moment to reflect on the following verses.

But when Herod's birthday came, the daughter of Herodias danced before the company and pleased Herod, so that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she might ask. Prompted by her mother, she said, "Give me the head of John the Baptist here on a platter." And the king was sorry, but because of his oaths and his guests he commanded it to be given. He sent and had John beheaded in the prison, and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother.

And his disciples came and took the body and buried it, and they went and told Jesus. Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns.

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves." But Jesus said, "They need not go away; you give them something to eat." (Mat 14:6-16)

Note several things:

1) Jesus has just been told about the beheading of John the Baptist.  His natural human response upon hearing this terrible news is that he sought solitude, perhaps a quiet place to grieve the loss. 

2) Jesus is inconvenienced.  The inconsiderate and insensitive crowd follows Jesus--demanding more of his time and energy--notwithstanding his own desire for solitude. 

3) Jesus does not feel sorry for himself, he does not ignore the needs of those around them, and he does not complain--instead--he gives of himself yet again in order to serve them.  Rather than feeling sorry for himself he has compassion on them!

Responding versus Reacting

 Stop!  Pray! Think!  When confronted by an upset parent or employee, when reading a brusque or mean-spirited email, or when listening to an angry diatribe on the phone, do not immediately react.  Wait.  An immediate  emotionally driven response does not reflect the Fruit of the Spirit and will be counter-productive.

Rather than responding immediately take a moment to say a silent prayer.  Then reflect on the issue before responding to it. 

For example, I will often compose a response to an email and then set it aside for several hours or for a day.  Inevitably I find myself revising the email being careful with the words I choose to ensure that my response is not emotional, is clear and gracious, and deals with the facts, not the emotions surrounding the issue.

I often employ Paul’s “sandwich” style as found in  his Epistles.  You are probably familiar with his style.  He starts out with a compliment or praise, moves to instruction/correction, and closes with praise or positive acknowledgment.  Here is an example from I Corinthians.

Opening:

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge-- even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you--(1Co 1:3-6) …

Instruction/Correction:

… But I, brothers, could not address you as spiritual people, but as people of the flesh, as infants in Christ … (1Co 3:1) …

Closing:

… The grace of the Lord Jesus be with you. My love be with you all in Christ Jesus. Amen. (1Co 16:23-24)

Follow-up

Do not ignore the matter!  It will not go away.  Whatever the issue—address it.  Dr. Kynerd, our current Chancellor and former Superintendent, has given me very wise advice.  He counsels, “Under promise and over deliver.”  Reflect on the benefits of this statement for a moment.  What are the potential benefits if we under promise, over deliver, and always follow-up?  Conversely, what are the consequences if we over promise and under deliver?

Fruit of the Spirit

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Gal 5:22-23)

When dealing with conflict, ask yourself the following questions:

• How will my response reflect love?
• How can I find joy in this situation for myself and for the one who is upset? (“count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. Jas 1:2-3)
• How can I show kindness EVEN if I am being “abused”?
• What good deed/work can I perform in this situation?
• How can I use this situation to demonstrate faithfulness to my Lord, to my calling and to my students, parents, and staff?
• How am I reflecting gentleness in my response as I seek to “speak the truth in love?”
• Am I demonstrating self-control or am I reacting?

Keeping Authorities Informed

With the exception of gifts, people do not like surprises!  If you are dealing with an issue that is likely to come to the attention of a board member, the pastor, or others in positions of authority—inform them in advance of the situation.

I routinely give my board chairman and/or the pastors a “heads-up” on situations that may percolate.  Doing so is a courtesy to them so that they are not caught off guard.  It also fosters trust and gives you the opportunity to seek advice.  There is NO DOWNSIDE to this proactive communication!

Likewise, if there is bad news share it with the school board forthrightly.  Don’t sweep things under the rug, don’t pretend everything is fine if they aren’t.  You owe it to your board and others to keep them fully informed of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Making the Hard but Necessary Decisions

Sometimes an effective response may be require a parting of the way.  For example, an employee may have to be dismissed or a parent may have to be told that the school can no longer serve him or her.  This should be a last resort measure but it may be necessary. 

Over the years I have had to make the unpleasant decision to terminate an employee or to tell a parent that his behavior is such that the school can no longer effectively serve his family.

Such decisions should only be made after much prayer, hard work, and longsuffering.  The highest levels of integrity must be maintained.  But failure to make these hard decisions is a failure of leadership. 

 When you make these hard decisions remember that you do not have the liberty of defending yourself to others.  With the exception of those with authority over us, we must not share information regarding the circumstances of our decision with others in order to justify ourselves.  We also do not have the liberty of gossiping (sharing something that is true is still gossip!).  The Scriptures are clear—“Love covers a multitude of sins.”  This does not mean that sin is swept under the rug—it means that we protect the reputations of our protagonists even if doing so causes others to question our leadership and decisions.  Again, this is NOT about us.

In Summary

• Conflict cannot and should not be avoided
• Use humor to diffuse anger
• See conflict as an opportunity to disciple and/or to be discipled
• Be humble
• Listen
• Speak the truth in love
• Turn the other cheek, go the extra mile
• Respond—don’t react
• Follow-up
• Demonstrate the Fruit of the Spirit
• Keep the appropriate authorities informed
• Make the hard decisions

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